The me in ME

ME

My child hood had the innocence of a  flower I assume .But when did life started getting fragnance of ezhillam pala poovu , I do not know. You know what they call it in English – Alstonica Scholaris . Secretly  people called it Indian devil tree. It blooms  in November  and the whole air get dizzy with the smell. Intoxicating  …. This  tree was close to the window where I slept . I grew up with fairy tales . Mystic portraits filled up my mind than reality . 

I wish I had my long hair back , as long as those dark climbers in the snake forests  .But I lost them .After all I have tarried the half sector of life/existence.

I love to keep the big bindhi , a thick vermillion and  wear sarees of jute and cotton.Alas , I do not know how to adorn a saree.There was no mom, and no saree to learn wearing it . Mom was so beautiful in her sarees.

My mind these days wander around places I never went but was yearning to get lost in the ghat or bank of Banaras . The Karmic law of life was basis of Hinduism . Through Karma people get in to cycles of birth and rebirth . Do you know one thing - “ Kashi is the the city of Karma and kama . Lust and death .

It was my dream to visit Kashi the eternal city of karma . According to our culture   each city or land has a god guarding it . Here it is Mahakaal that watch the city , people come here to wash their sins .They die here , some times dead bodies are thrown in to river . Some times burnt . People come here to do their offerings to the dead ancestors  so that their soul rest in peace .

The Maha Kaal , the time…………………………

Ganga was bought to earth  from heaven. We believe so , It originates in Himalayas, it has all in its fury , Like a young girl she is so full of energy . But here in Kashi she was silent , as though in deep meditation .

Oh where did I start and where did I end , Indian devil tree … that tree is where yakshi dewells …………..was my topic , or it was  it about me .

Yakkshi , is so beautiful , she comes down to earth like a beautiful women , she sees the men on earth , she manifest in front of him .The one who falls for her , is dead by tomorrow . Only their skulls and bones remains . They drink the blood of men.

If any one ask have I seen one , I can say yes , when I look in to the mirror . ….

What did the tree do to me ,

Yeah , it was the time I thought about love………crush , infactuation ,when world rocked around me . oh ! that was the time I felt I need some one to love …. Some one to write her letters to me . I wanted to read , I wanted to write …

If any one ask I found some one

Yes , but the family played the role of villain

 My step mother read those letters . He was from a low caste .So every family member played a tyrant role . My father gave away his responsibility to me .He send me to my mother’s house . My mother was the daughter of ancient orthodox rich family who married my father a colleague of her  against her family s will . I was no body there .

It  was not a serious  stuff …... but it ruined my adolescence .In no time I turned to be arrogant rebel, the odd one out .The black sheep in the herd.

 My father agreed to take me back  , on the condition of  leaving the affair ….

Thus it ended . But it pretty  spoiled my name and fame .I was still fabulous . The psychologist told my parents , I have creativity and madness is part of that . The freedom to be mad and the right to be a genius.

.If it was not her madness , Iwould not be writing this to the emptiness.  I was bestowed with  the  power to think freely , to be fearlessly distinct .To have a belief of my own. The created identity , not the inherited one .

I ,was bought up so but in an ancient orthodox family , a hindu family which was a blend of royal blood mixed with genome of priest hood .Nair women , my ancestors were rulers of family .The matriarchal culture prevailed ,and when my grand father revolted , I grew up in an environment of revolution , I was hence a change agent , where ever I went .

Where did I reached , from those wonderful snake forests , reverberating with the pulluvan songs , a traditional  folk song , divine , played with an instrument…..to love , madness , life , thoughts …………