ME
My child hood had the innocence of a flower I assume .But when did life started
getting fragnance of ezhillam pala poovu , I do not know. You know what they
call it in English – Alstonica Scholaris . Secretly people called it Indian devil tree. It blooms
in November and the whole air get dizzy with the smell.
Intoxicating …. This tree was close to the window where I slept .
I grew up with fairy tales . Mystic portraits filled up my mind than reality .
I wish I had my long hair back , as long as those
dark climbers in the snake forests .But I
lost them .After all I have tarried the half sector of life/existence.
I love to keep the big bindhi , a thick vermillion and wear sarees of jute and cotton.Alas , I do
not know how to adorn a saree.There was no mom, and no saree to learn wearing
it . Mom was so beautiful in her sarees.
My mind these days wander around places I never went
but was yearning to get lost in the ghat or bank of Banaras . The Karmic law of
life was basis of Hinduism . Through Karma people get in to cycles of birth and
rebirth . Do you know one thing - “ Kashi is the the city of Karma and kama .
Lust and death .
It was my dream to visit Kashi the eternal city of
karma . According to our culture each
city or land has a god guarding it . Here it is Mahakaal that watch the city ,
people come here to wash their sins .They die here , some times dead bodies are
thrown in to river . Some times burnt . People come here to do their offerings
to the dead ancestors so that their soul
rest in peace .
The Maha Kaal , the time…………………………
Ganga was bought to earth from heaven. We believe so , It originates in
Himalayas, it has all in its fury , Like a young girl she is so full of energy
. But here in Kashi she was silent , as though in deep meditation .
Oh where did I start and where did I end , Indian
devil tree … that tree is where yakshi dewells …………..was my topic , or it
was it about me .
Yakkshi , is so beautiful , she comes down to earth
like a beautiful women , she sees the men on earth , she manifest in front of
him .The one who falls for her , is dead by tomorrow . Only their skulls and
bones remains . They drink the blood of men.
If any one ask have I seen one , I can say yes , when
I look in to the mirror . ….
What did the tree do to me ,
Yeah , it was the time I thought about love………crush
, infactuation ,when world rocked around me . oh ! that was the time I felt I
need some one to love …. Some one to write her letters to me . I wanted to read
, I wanted to write …
If any one ask I found some one
Yes , but the family played the role of villain
My step
mother read those letters . He was from a low caste .So every family member
played a tyrant role . My father gave away his responsibility to me .He send me
to my mother’s house . My mother was the daughter of ancient orthodox rich
family who married my father a colleague of her
against her family s will . I was no body there .
It was not a
serious stuff …... but it ruined my
adolescence .In no time I turned to be arrogant rebel, the odd one out .The
black sheep in the herd.
My father
agreed to take me back , on the
condition of leaving the affair ….
Thus it ended . But it
pretty spoiled my name and fame .I was
still fabulous . The psychologist told my parents , I have creativity and
madness is part of that . The freedom to be mad and the right to be a genius.
.If
it was not her madness , Iwould not be writing this to the emptiness. I was bestowed with the power to think freely , to be fearlessly distinct
.To have a belief of my own. The created identity , not the inherited one .
I ,was bought up so but
in an ancient orthodox family , a hindu family which was a blend of royal blood
mixed with genome of priest hood .Nair women , my ancestors were rulers of
family .The matriarchal culture prevailed ,and when my grand father revolted ,
I grew up in an environment of revolution , I was hence a change agent , where
ever I went .
Where did I reached ,
from those wonderful snake forests , reverberating with the pulluvan songs , a
traditional folk song , divine , played
with an instrument…..to love , madness , life , thoughts …………